You probably shouldn’t read this. It will contain things you might not agree with, but just things I have been realizing about life. I have been overcome with the need to write lately. This past month has been interesting, to say the least and I have resolved to just do whatever I want, at least to the best of my ability. I just want to be honest with myself. I have been letting myself go crazy because of myself. I think we spend so much time trying to be someone and trying to accomplish things. (Of course this is true, but I mean them in specific ways, for example)…
There are billions of people in this world, there are millions of girls in this world, and at any minute the person who holds our attention could run into one of those millions of girls (or boys, whichever your situation holds). Then what? They just decide that this new person is the bee’s knees and run away with them? Could be. But fuck them if that is what happens. Sometimes I think to myself, “Jenna, you don’t play an instrument, you pretend that you are a writer, you don’t do anything cool…why would anyone be interested in you over these other chicks?” Truth is, I don’t know. And obviously I haven’t found “the” person (this will be addressed later in this post) who thinks I am super awesome, but I trust they will be able to whittle away what makes me special and foster that and be willing and actually WANT to help me nurture and grow whatever that might be, like a plant. I will be someone’s plant. But in the meantime, I am not going to spend my time wallowing and worrying that I will never be good enough. That is a waste of time. There might be a million other chicks out there, but if whoever holds my attention is so easily distracted by them that they forget about me and get caught up in the others, then I didn’t want them in the first place. I shouldn’t have to worry about being good enough, I should just be enough. And if I am not, that is their problem. Not mine. And I want to reiterate the “fuck you” part to everyone who has made me feel like I wasn’t important enough in the past. I took it to heart, but I can’t carry that weight anymore so I am giving it back to you (a collective you) now. We constantly worry and what for? If I can fully love someone to the core of my being than it is 100 percent possible for someone else to feel the same way about me, without getting distracted.
I see people now, walking together, eating together, doing togethery things and I think, “WEIRD”. Ha. It is foreign to me at this point in time to think that someone could enjoy spending time with me. I either just want to get drunk and dance around people I know and like, or hang out with myself. I am at this point where I just want to be my best friend. Who wants to go to a show…ME! Who wants to see a movie…ME! Who wants to eat ice cream for dinner…ME! The best part of this, is that I ALWAYS want to do what I want to do, so it works out fairly well. But I think this scares some people. Every time I start to get comfortable being alone then I meet someone. I suppose it makes sense because that is when you have the most confidence and you stop trying to impress others and just “do you”. SO that is my goal right now. Enjoy myself. Don’t worry about people that don’t call. Don’t worry about people who say bad things about you. Don’t worry so much about school. Don’t worry about the future. Just enjoy yourself, enjoy this moment, say “Fuck it” and do whatever you want. Because YOLO, right?
Since I moved to Portland, I have actually gotten to take a break from weddings and marriage talk and it is FANTASTIC. Now, disclaimer, if you are my friend and you are married/have kids/engaged and are happy, then I am happy for you. But I can’t imagine being in that boat right now. I have SO much to do: finish school, travel to places, break some hearts, sleep with Adam Levine, you know some pretty important shit. Sometimes I feel old and then I think, what if I married that dude I dated on and off for 4 years and loved more than anything in the world. What about the other long relationship. How would that have worked out for me? Or, better yet, I could still marry either one of them OR BOTH later on down the road because life is mysterious as shit. You can’t plan it. Seriously, try. Let me know how that goes in ten years. If I got married right now, I would theoretically be with this person for 74 more years if I lived to be 100 (and if that happens I better have a sweet gray hairstyle and be able to walk and chew solid food). 74 YEARS IS FOREVER! But society tries to convince me I need to get on that shit now? No thank you. In all reality, I might never get married. My goal is to also be okay with this. Because a marriage does not, or I guess should not define you as a person. But, I do have ovaries and these things are hardwired for all that shit, so hopefully I never go crazy and steal embryos from a bank. Or if I do, I hope Law and Order: SVU makes a show out of my crime (TRICK STATEMENT! That shit has already been made and it starred Lea Thompson. Nailed it!) But seriously, remember all of those people you dated and were like “Oh my gosh, they are the one” and then all of a sudden it was “Oh my gosh, I thought they were the one but I am so glad I got out of that mess!”
So, after all this babbling, the main point is…Fuck it. I know it’s a hard road to get to that point and that I will slip, but I am working on it. My heart, contrary to popular belief, is not made out of ice cold stone impenetrable to man and beast. It is giant and probably semi-broken. And the only one who can fix that is me. Yes, I want to get married someday when I can 100 percent say that I want to spend the rest of my years telling poop jokes with someone and MAYBE even pop out a kid or two (or buy them). Don’t get me wrong, I am a romantic deep down (shocking right?) But, I woke up today and didn’t want to murder anyone so that is a start.
I am not the prettiest, smartest, funniest, most talented girl in world. But I am me. Take it or leave it.
And if you have to question whether to take it, then get the fuck out of here. Come on now.
We all deserve the best. Regardless of what anyone has told you in the best and regardless or how anyone treats you.
Babble babble babble