This is one of those posts that I told myself I would write and publish since I promised myself I would let people see that there is more to me than the girl who hates everything and everyone. Again, I just say that because I think it’s funny and easier to say than admit that I have been hurt most of the time I let my guard down.
Everyone is familiar with the phrase “Actions speak louder than words”. I have never really understood the full meaning of these words (ironic) until recently. I love words. That should be obvious since I choose to write a lot. Well, correction, I love words that I get to read and pen/type at my own will. I love lyrics. I love meaning. I have always been able to write better than I have been able to articulate my feelings and thoughts out loud. I get flustered or I decide that I am wrong and my feelings are null. True story, in the past I have written down what I wanted to say before having an important phone call…aka knowing someone was going to break up with me or having already been broken up with and having the follow up conversation.
I use written words to express the things I can’t get across with speech. But, some people use words, written or spoken just to use words. And I just hang on to them like they are my connection to life. What the fuck is wrong with me? How has it taken me this long to realize that anyone can say words, yes, some can more eloquently than others but it is not as magical of a practice as I always imagined.
And as many times as I have been screwed over in the past, I still trust in the power of words. I seriously think I need a lobotomy. It should be illegal to be this trusting. It is why I hate making myself vulnerable. I let this wall down and it seems like there is always someone there waiting to whisper the most beautiful words to me while their poison slowly slips into my body and eats away at my heart.
Sometimes I think I have life figured out, but I don’t think that is ever going to happen. Somedays I wake up and wonder what the fuck I have been doing. Somedays I wake up and think everything is perfect. Some days I write somedays as one word and then realize that just because you add day to it doesn’t make it a word.
Tomorrow or the day after I will have faith in people again, but today I don’t. It is just one of those days I guess when my brain decides to let me know that I tend to think and function off of the wrong organ. Can you get a lobotomy on your heart? I should look into that.