So, this post is for Marty. He wanted something serious peppered with my whimsical sense of humor. That is what he shall get. Plus, I don’t really think many other people read this. Oh well, it’s cathartic for me. For the past week I have struggled with a vicious bout of anxiety. Like the kind where it makes you want to barf. I have two remedies for this, all though they don’t really help get rid of it but they help me to focus on other things.
1. Take as deep a breath in as I possibly can, hold it in as long as I possibly can, let it out as slowly as I possibly can. This typically gives me at least a few seconds of relief.
2. Plug myself in to the ole’ iPod (Which came back from the dead after a scare last week. I am sure this means it is going kaput soon so I have to let it live it’s last days in glory) and picking the best music I can. Then I listen to it as loud as I can. See, this works because I have the power to let myself be completely consumed by music. Right now it is alt-J and the new EP from Andrew McMahon (which is just got damn brilliant. Only 4 songs but that man, I tell you, that man has the power to reach out and touch your soul with his tunes). I am sure I look like an idiot to everyone who drives, rides, or walks past me. I love earbuds because I can literally push them in and not hear a word anyone says to me. It is like the music is inside me. Sometimes you hit that perfect moment where everything just adds up, the sun, the song, the place and it’s like your heart explodes. And by your heart I mean mine, because I don’t really know how other people experience music. Seriously, I met this dude at a bar the other night (Met is a loose term. His name was Daniel I think and he gave me a slice of his pizza) and he said music wasn’t really central to his life. He was then dead to me. I don’t get it.
Anyways, I swear to whatever god it is that you believe in, the first day I wake up without feeling anxious I am going to take a shot and twerk it, both of which are things I am actually physically unable to do. I realize that it is my stupid brain and chemicals causing these ruthless knots to invade my stomach but even when I tell myself to stop worrying, the swirly twirly gum drops just won’t go away. They are bullies. Sometimes I think my body is conspiring against me. What fun new thing can we do to her today?
At least it is better than the time it told me to eat mushrooms from the backyard. That resulted in a delicious charcoal shake served to me by the nurse at Parkview and the nickname Princess Toadstool.
And it is better than the time it decided to be allergic to queen anne’s lace. I got a sweet oatmeal bath for my body rash one time and another time my eyes were swollen shut. THANKS BODY!
Well, I have got news for you body. You can tell me no, but I won’t stop. Cause I want more. Not more charcoal or allergies but more ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm this didn’t actually go as planned so I am just going to keep typing words until I come up with something. This is also backfiring because I have to think of what I am going to say…
I want more optimism and patience. And more happiness. And less worry. So I guess I really want less. But I am posting this song anyway.