My Life is like a Roller Coaster Baby, Baby!

Let’s talk about…depression!

So I thought about not posting this because there probably aren’t that many people that a. care or b. care. But then I remembered this is my blog and I can post whatever I want. It’s all about honesty and I don’t think that enough people talk about depression. Yep, it is time for depression talk. If you are going to get all Tom Cruise on me, then just stop reading now. Have I mentioned how much I can’t stand him?

Anyways. I was listening to Andrew McMahon’s new stuff and there is a line that says “It will only take a little while until your highs will become your lows”. Hit the nail on the head. When I am happy, I take it for everything it is worth. I try to absorb that feeling and store it for whenever the next low is so I remember that it will pass and that happiness will be there again.

The lows come whenever they want. They come without warning most of the time. Sometimes it just takes one thing, the icing on the cake, to tip it off. My brain hurts, my stomach goes to knots and the first thought in my head is that I am alone. It is like being at the bottom of a dark hole. Even if people look down and ask me if I need help out, I can’t say yes. I just want someone to climb down there and get me. Even if I say no. I always end up digging my nails into the side and crawling out in the longest, most painful and exhausting way.

Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. My brain knows that it doesn’t make any sense but it just keeps believing the anxious knot in my gut. I just want to lie there until it decides to stop being stupid. I pretty much feel like this

Sometimes people tell me that it’s just in my head. NO SHIT it is. I get that. But I can’t just go la la la I am going to be happy and feel better. I have been riding this thing for 8 years (longer than that but that’s when I started to acknowledge it) if it was that easy I would have done it already. It isn’t a choice to just stop being sad and start being awesome, there is no Barney Stinson magic involved. It’s time, and patience, and sometimes pills. Which do help, so don’t even try to argue that logic with me. Again, get out of here Tim Cruise.

I rarely tell people I need help. I don’t think they really get it. I just try to write and listen to music. Copious amounts of music. That’s why I got the Swim tattoo. I have to be in charge of me because if I sink, if I give up, that’s all on me.

Honestly, I didn’t think grad school would be as hard as it is and I am a little stressed because of it. I don’t usually handle stress well. And there are other things occupying my mind. But I know at the end of this I will be a stronger lass and it’ll be another thing that I can use to motivate myself. Another success story I guess. It just takes a lot out of me sometimes. Sometimes I just wish someone would would put there arm around me and say “I get it” and whenever you feel that way you talk to me”. I don’t think I could, but it would be nice to know that if I wanted to they were available. I have never asked for that. God dammit I am stubborn and strong willed.

Isn’t it funny when you write something out and then have a realization about yourself? I think I am pretty open about having anxiety and having depression but no one really takes them seriously. I never talk about how I feel because of them, I am terrible at that. I guess in the end it is my fault that I deal with it all myself. And with music. Where would I be without the music.

So, here is a pep talk for me (I have seriously watched this like 30 times since Sunday) and you. Because everyone needs a good pep talk.

Not cool, Robert Frost!

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