So I have always just assumed that people who watched sunsets were super lame. You’ve seen one you’ve seen them all, right? But I decided to trek the .2 miles down to the beach when I was at Florida a few days ago and I took my notebook with me to see if inspiration would come. And oh, it did. So many water metaphors. I rarely come up with profound things to say, but one of my favorite things I have ever written occurred during said sunset session. I was a bit sad that I decided to wait until the second to last day there to write at that beach, but lesson learned. It is weird to think that in a span of 20 minutes or so, everything completely changes. It goes from light to dark, hot to warm, essentially the sunset tells you that you have lost another day. Hopefully something useful happened during those hours you were given, and if not, sucks for you. But, another day is (theoretically) just around the corner. (I realllllly wanted to right river bend, so I am doing it here).
I guess there is just something about watching the world change right in front of your eyes. The sky turns colors. And the water seems to go on forever, even though at some point it has to end. It’s beautiful and sad all at the same time. I often rush days away thinking about a certain upcoming date that I am excited about. I know I shouldn’t but it is hard not to when I am excited. I still have this spontaneous side to me, which I thoroughly enjoy, but sometimes it gets the best of me. Like the time I bought a plane ticket home for too many days and am missing Young the Giant, Death Cab doing the entire Transatlanticism album (which was essentially the soundtrack to my senior year and the crushing blow that was my first love) and alt-J. I get too excited about the potential of other people and I lose my days counting down to the day I will get to see them. So my new goal is to try to find something good about every day. And I know that will be difficult because I didn’t even want to get out of bed on Tuesday. I got hit with a bout of anxiety something fierce. I am still fighting it off. But I consider how lucky I am to be (physically) healthy and stable enough to battle whatever mental issues effect me. I’m still here and I am still living some sort of dream, not sure what I am hoping to achieve yet but I might get there someday.
Back to that thing about people. I will never understand them. Seriously. I don’t even understand myself. I swear to whatever God you believe in that I go around looking for people with strings hanging from their hands and I say, “Oooooooh, oh pick me! I would love to hold on to this fucking piece of cloth while you carry me along, saying things and then taking them back but then kind of throwing them out there again.” It is just becoming humorous at this point. I mean I know it is because I am anxious, family issues, past relationships, etc. but shit Jenna, come on. When people are nice to me I don’t even know what to do. This is why I have to go to therapy people. But, my romantic (or really lack there of) issues are for another blog that will inevitably be way funnier and coherent than this one. I just needed to write something to purge my brain of a small chunk of “blahhhhh” that is in there.
Watch the sunset sometime by yourself. Maybe it will be boring or maybe you will understand what I am saying. And if you do, please inform me because I don’t know what I am saying most of the time.