You Can’t Steal My Songs: Mental Copyright

Music. I am OBSESSED with it. Currently it is the Civil Wars, which happens quite often because I stumble upon a live video of theirs and then watch all of the videos they have ever made. They are amazing and their new song The One That Got Away is a got damn treasure. Listen to it.

I love music so much so when it gets stolen from me I get angry. Then I steal it back. HA! Of course I mean stolen literally, but more so figuratively. I couldn’t steal back my CDs when they got stolen, but I can figuratively steal my songs back.

So, I have been in some relationships in my life, as well as some sort of relationship hybrid weird things. Basically they have all followed the same pattern.

Step 1: You meet

Step 2: You get all goo goo eyed and think about how adorable they are

Step 3: You get their number and start the cutesy texting

Step 4: You hang out and then can’t believe that you could meet someone this awesome! This part usually involves me asking about favorite bands and musical interests. (What? You love Muse too?! Get out of town! But not really because I would miss you).

Step 5: You start “dating”/Become official (or sometimes in my case you drop them when they want to be official because you’re just not all about that. I mean, there’s dudes with ponytails and tanks out there that you need to meet and get goo goo eyed over…”

Step 6: You start associating songs and bands with them. This song for that moment, this band that you discovered through them, etc.

Step 7: You go to concerts…this also happens in non romantic relationships for muah.

Step 8: Uh oh trouble in paradise. Guess I better listen to music to help me through this.

Step 9: Oh crap, relationship over. More music.

Step 10: WHY?! Why couldn’t we make it work wahhhhh…MUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSICCCC.

Step 11: Fuck you. I am great. Jerk.

Step 12: I can’t listen to that song because it reminds me of them…

EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Stop right there. See, I refuse to let step 12 be the end. So, after step 12 I reach my angry/stubborn phase, and if you have met me I shine in this phase. I have the hardest head you will ever come across (ha). I suppose it is kind of like splitting up friends amongst a couple. But NO ONE is getting my music. So, when I get over step 10 and move on to step 11, I listen to those songs on repeat until they don’t upset me anymore. No you can’t have Brand New. No you can’t have the Starting Line, no you can’t have The Civil Wars (see, with that one the person didn’t even listen to them so had I not taken them back they would have just been swirling and twirling through the candy cane forest of life).

Recently Stubborn Love was welcomed back into the library of Jenna. So take that butt face. Not only is it great to be able to listen to the songs you love, but I consider it a triumph, a “Screw you!” to the person who did you wrong.

You can’t have my heart, you can’t have my songs, you can’t even have my Facebook friendship (maybe in like 6 years…that’s how long I can hold a really good grudge, perhaps even longer if I am REALLY determined).

Now I still think of said people  occasionally when I hear dem tunes, but it’s more of a fleeting memory. The memory of a memory. And then I smile and think, “My song”.

The Trouble with Green

It’s easy to let ideas in your head. Thanks Facebook. If I didn’t have best friends all over the United States I would delete you again. Or I might anyway. But alas, sometimes I give into you and your trickery. This could be about that. Or it could be about girl scout cookies…

I’m a click away
from a gnawing pain
It’s her hair, it’s her face
It’s your smile that drives me insane.
I don’t want to live in photographs
Stuck in someone else’s past
I’ve got my own secrets
I’ve got a timeline too
But your memories are
There for me to see
And now they’ll never go away.

Green is your favorite color
But it doesn’t suit me well
Now the monster’s taking over
And there’s no magic in this spell
Changing into something else
Not who I want to be
That’s the trouble with green
The curse of jealousy

This is a puzzle
With a dozen pieces missing
So it can never be complete.
And it’s impossible for me
To be a missing piece
Or be part of the game.
We would have to start a new
Try to play the whole thing through
But I don’t want to win your heart
I don’t want an excuse
I want to be the only one
In the end, and from the start.

Green is your favorite color
But it doesn’t suit me well
Now the monster’s taking over
And there’s no magic in this spell
Changing into something else
Not who I want to be
That’s the trouble with green
The curse of jealousy

I don’t want to be another version
Of a girl who has been here before
And I don’t want to know
What you’re doing
Who you’re doing it with
I’m a click away from a gnawing pain
That intensifies when I see her name
Green is your favorite color
But it doesn’t suit me well
No it doesn’t suit me well.

A 20-Something’s View on Society’s View on Marriage

“f I hadn’t made me, I’d have fallen apart by now
I won’t let them make me, It’s more than I can allow
So when I make me, I won’t be paper mache
And if I fuck me, I’ll fuck me my own way”

Just a little Incubus quote there for you. I feel like it is fitting because I am a little bit off. I think most people are but a lot pretend to be “normal” so they don’t get judged. I don’t really care anymore. I like being quirky. Mostly because it makes me happy to do things that make me happy. I like to walk down the street and talk to my dog like a human. I like to dance down the sidewalk and pretend like I am on stage singing whatever song is on my iPod. I like having an opinion, and get this, I like respecting others’ opinions. Through experience I have learned that doing things on my own has helped me figure out who I am and made me stronger. And you know what I don’t like? When people try to make me feel like shit, or my friends, for  not being in a relationship or not being married. Like I have some sort of disease or something else is wrong with me. So, just know that this isn’t directed toward anyone specifically. Kind of a letter to a society that is always trying to make us feel like there is something we need to change or be ashamed of.

Continue reading “A 20-Something’s View on Society’s View on Marriage”

Observations about the Great City of Portland

So I moved to the Mississippi Ave area a few days ago and I have been making observations about Portland and life in general as I settle in hurr. Here are some of them:

1. Things taste better out of a mason jar. Fact. I wanted to go to a bar that served drinks from them, but I don’t know which ones do. The bar we chose did not, however they did have fun hammock seats so I guess that is a win. Then I went to Michaels to get my craft on and they had mason jars in the middle of an aisle on a display. Did this girl buy one? Damn right she did.

2. Speaking of getting my craft on, I have learned that nothing comes out as well as it appears on Pinterest. Pinterest is a gem of a place to discover tricks and ideas for DIY projects but they will never look as good as the professionals that actually made it and then created the instructions. Therefore, Pinterest is also the devil. Probably why there is a website called pinterestfail.com

3. People in Portland don’t like to throw stuff away. They like to put it in boxes and leave it on the side of a road for people to rummage through. So weird. In fact, I saw two pairs of boxer briefs in the road today while walking Tim. Just throw that ish away. No one wants undies in their street…unless they are still in the Victoria’s Secret bag with tags and in my size. Then feel free to leave those lying around.

4. On the issue of Tim, he is so weird. He is scared of fans apparently too. He loves air conditioners. After his walks in Indiana he would plop right in front of the vent and cool off. Apparently he doesn’t understand that a fan does the same thing…dummy.

5. Colorful houses are awesome. There is a purple and orange one that I love down the street. The more color the better.

6. Purple and orange go great together. I am talking more like a plum and a burnt sienna, which I might have just made up but it sounds good so I am rolling with it.

7. Neighborhoods in Portland are weird. They go from like 3 nice house to one dilapidated house to a few nice ones and then a bunch of crappy ones. It makes it hard to tell if the neighborhood is nice or not. Sometimes I think people think they have decorated their house by putting a bunch of random shit in the yard and they don’t realize it just looks like poo.

8. The 405 blows unless it is past 7 pm. Stupid highway.

9. On that note, Oregon drivers are the worst drivers IN THE WORLD.

Depressing Blog Take 2: Keyword “Redemption”

I am fully aware that I am depressed. I woke up at 11:30 yesterday. Then took a nap at 2:30 until 5. Then went to bed at 11. I could have slept all day today, at least until work. But alas, I did not. I actually don’t want 7 to come because working makes me feel like I have something to do; a purpose we shall say. Not to be confused with a porpoise….

porpoise

…which is actually freakin’ adorable.

Sometime when you are in a hole it seems like the only option is to keep digging and go down further. I can’t do that. So I need to suck it up. I just moved to a new place and it reminds me of a dorm, which makes me kind of sad. (We are talking high school tiled floor y’all). But, it is a roof and it is affordable and there are bomb tacos .1 mile away.

Tim has to get used to it and I hate leaving him in his crate. He got out on the first day and now I am terrified he will die within this next year. I NEED him. Even if he is a jerk. AKA he goes up to dogs, bites them, and walks away. But I still love him.

I guess cleaning out the old apartment it finally hit me; my life is no longer on the path I thought it was. I thought I would never need a roommate, that I’d always have help with Tim, that I would be with this one person forever. But life is like a revolving door; people go in, enjoy the “ride”, and are out. Sometimes they take a few turns before they decide to exit. We had 3 more months on the lease and leaving it made it permanent.

I am also still bitter and confused about other things related to love and lust. More than anything I am annoyed. I am annoyed with myself for feeling sad and for feeling lonely. I am definitely not that girl who jumps from relationship to relationship. If anything I am that girl that thinks we are always getting back together, which is the lamest kind of girl. But I haven’t been that girl for a hot minute. I have NO idea where I will be in a year so it makes no sense to look for companionship, not to mention I do not actively look regardless. I am a firm believer of things coming to you when you least expect them. And I want time to just figure myself out. SO WHY DO I FEEL LONELY? My brain is so dumb.

Dear Brain,

Stop being lame. I am fine. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need to miss anyone. Anyone worth missing would make sure that I didn’t miss them, perhaps not in the physical aspect but in the keeping in touch regularly aspect. I am an island. Islands don’t get lonely. They enjoy the sun, water, palm trees, and coconuts. They even enjoy the occasional shark and maybe a porpoise. So lay off me brain. I am not lonely and I don’t want to feel like it.

So here are ten random reasons why I need to stop moping and put in the work to be happy. (Yes, sometimes for some people it actually takes work to be aight). I need to take that shovel, put the dirt back in the hole, and climb out.

1. I am playing Carrie Underwood right now.
2. I am good at radio.
3. My hair is soft.
4. I just ate Grandma’s Mini Creme sandwich cookies
5. I am not the person that told Miley Cyrus the video for “We Can’t Stop” was a good idea.
6. I am alive.
7. I have eaten ice cream within the last week.
8. My mom always has my back.
9. I pretty dresses waiting for me at my mom’s.
10. I am half way done with grad school.

Just Another Depressing Blog Post: Key Word “Meh”

So I have been avoiding writing at all costs for the past 2 weeks basically because I know then I have to admit things or face them and I didn’t/don’t want too. But alas, here I am.

Where am I? In a brand new apartment that reminds me of a dorm. At least my room with it’s sweet tile floor. I couldn’t afford to be picky and went with the first thing that wouldn’t cost me a shit ton of money and allowed me to keep my best friend in the whole world…(I would have paid a shit ton rather than give him up). So all of my stuff is pretty much in one room or in boxes in a closet or two.

Since school ended I have done no work on my thesis and honestly I have no idea where to start. I feel like even looking at an article will overwhelm me. And I am about to be working everyday, which is good because I need the money, but sad because my poor Tim will be alone all day and I’ll have to work super hard to stay motivated. This means no social life. Which, I am actually okay with.

The last couple of encounters with groups of people have made me anxious. People tend to want to shove their opinions down your throat and negate your feelings about things. We all do it, but I try to recognize that there are two sides to every story, unless it involves Taylor Swift. Then you are wrong because she sucks. Sorry bout ya.

A month ago I went to Florida and got to see my bestie and hang out with my family. Nothing super exciting (except for Harry Potter World). It was nice to have a little break. However, day 6 was hell and I don’t think I have ever been that anxious in my life. This was also the last day I heard from someone who I thought was in my good graces. See, I try not to count down days when people are involved (aside from Archana) because it always gets disappointing. I got halfway through the summer counting down to Phil and then he told me he had a new girlfriend. This time I don’t think I even got a reason. But that’s the way the countdown crumbles.

This past weekend I got a blast from the past. A “friend” came to visit me and we hadn’t hung out in LITRALLY, I actually don’t even know and don’t feel like trying to do the math. The point is we never really hung out and enjoyed the company before. This time we had fun. It was FUN?! I am a firm believer that people don’t change, they grow. So we have grown into new people and these new people enjoy each other.

However, and maybe this is just because I have been a little bummed with everything happening in life the last week, but be it a month ago Jenna or this past weekend Jenna I get this feeling that even when I should be the main focus, I’m not. My past experiences in life haven’t really given me much hope. I know I pick people who will let me down because my life has been a series of that and who wants to read an unfinished book? Not me. I like to skip to the end to make sure no one dies. But it’s just like, fuck man.

Sometimes I miss where I was 6 months ago. Sometimes I think if I hadn’t put a lot of trust and weight in someone else’s words and opinions I would have tried harder. Would it have mattered? I can’t say for sure because I am not a fortune teller, nor do I actually believe people can tell the future because I am a pessimist, but probably not. I guess this long babbling post boils down to: stop fucking with other people. If you are fucking with someone right now, stop it. Jerk. And if you can tell you are getting fucked with, also stop it. Bow out. If you can’t tell, welcome to the club. Onwards!

I am just feeling a bit meh. I left a bar the other day and sat in the yard looking at the stars with Black on repeat until my iPod died. I get stuck in my head, but I like my head. I wish someone else was like my head voice so I could balance ideas off of them. I recently have been feeling like I am in the wrong place. Like the place for me is non stop sun by a body of water with Archana. See, today I thought “Man, I wish I was with someone who would live with me and not leave me and help me with Tim” but most times I just think I want to run away with Archana. I can’t deal with liking people anymore and I have accepted that I will probably never get married. And when Archana gets married I will just have to be a condition of that marriage, like a grown up kid, then they can adopt me. I am going to start researching the legalities of this idea.

So, I am doubtful you got all the way through this. Moral of the story is I am feeling meh. I don’t understand other people and how they interact with people that they consider important to them. And I think we need to dedicate more time to the people in front of us. The end.