So I have been avoiding writing at all costs for the past 2 weeks basically because I know then I have to admit things or face them and I didn’t/don’t want too. But alas, here I am.
Where am I? In a brand new apartment that reminds me of a dorm. At least my room with it’s sweet tile floor. I couldn’t afford to be picky and went with the first thing that wouldn’t cost me a shit ton of money and allowed me to keep my best friend in the whole world…(I would have paid a shit ton rather than give him up). So all of my stuff is pretty much in one room or in boxes in a closet or two.
Since school ended I have done no work on my thesis and honestly I have no idea where to start. I feel like even looking at an article will overwhelm me. And I am about to be working everyday, which is good because I need the money, but sad because my poor Tim will be alone all day and I’ll have to work super hard to stay motivated. This means no social life. Which, I am actually okay with.
The last couple of encounters with groups of people have made me anxious. People tend to want to shove their opinions down your throat and negate your feelings about things. We all do it, but I try to recognize that there are two sides to every story, unless it involves Taylor Swift. Then you are wrong because she sucks. Sorry bout ya.
A month ago I went to Florida and got to see my bestie and hang out with my family. Nothing super exciting (except for Harry Potter World). It was nice to have a little break. However, day 6 was hell and I don’t think I have ever been that anxious in my life. This was also the last day I heard from someone who I thought was in my good graces. See, I try not to count down days when people are involved (aside from Archana) because it always gets disappointing. I got halfway through the summer counting down to Phil and then he told me he had a new girlfriend. This time I don’t think I even got a reason. But that’s the way the countdown crumbles.
This past weekend I got a blast from the past. A “friend” came to visit me and we hadn’t hung out in LITRALLY, I actually don’t even know and don’t feel like trying to do the math. The point is we never really hung out and enjoyed the company before. This time we had fun. It was FUN?! I am a firm believer that people don’t change, they grow. So we have grown into new people and these new people enjoy each other.
However, and maybe this is just because I have been a little bummed with everything happening in life the last week, but be it a month ago Jenna or this past weekend Jenna I get this feeling that even when I should be the main focus, I’m not. My past experiences in life haven’t really given me much hope. I know I pick people who will let me down because my life has been a series of that and who wants to read an unfinished book? Not me. I like to skip to the end to make sure no one dies. But it’s just like, fuck man.
Sometimes I miss where I was 6 months ago. Sometimes I think if I hadn’t put a lot of trust and weight in someone else’s words and opinions I would have tried harder. Would it have mattered? I can’t say for sure because I am not a fortune teller, nor do I actually believe people can tell the future because I am a pessimist, but probably not. I guess this long babbling post boils down to: stop fucking with other people. If you are fucking with someone right now, stop it. Jerk. And if you can tell you are getting fucked with, also stop it. Bow out. If you can’t tell, welcome to the club. Onwards!
I am just feeling a bit meh. I left a bar the other day and sat in the yard looking at the stars with Black on repeat until my iPod died. I get stuck in my head, but I like my head. I wish someone else was like my head voice so I could balance ideas off of them. I recently have been feeling like I am in the wrong place. Like the place for me is non stop sun by a body of water with Archana. See, today I thought “Man, I wish I was with someone who would live with me and not leave me and help me with Tim” but most times I just think I want to run away with Archana. I can’t deal with liking people anymore and I have accepted that I will probably never get married. And when Archana gets married I will just have to be a condition of that marriage, like a grown up kid, then they can adopt me. I am going to start researching the legalities of this idea.
So, I am doubtful you got all the way through this. Moral of the story is I am feeling meh. I don’t understand other people and how they interact with people that they consider important to them. And I think we need to dedicate more time to the people in front of us. The end.