I am fully aware that I am depressed. I woke up at 11:30 yesterday. Then took a nap at 2:30 until 5. Then went to bed at 11. I could have slept all day today, at least until work. But alas, I did not. I actually don’t want 7 to come because working makes me feel like I have something to do; a purpose we shall say. Not to be confused with a porpoise….
…which is actually freakin’ adorable.
Sometime when you are in a hole it seems like the only option is to keep digging and go down further. I can’t do that. So I need to suck it up. I just moved to a new place and it reminds me of a dorm, which makes me kind of sad. (We are talking high school tiled floor y’all). But, it is a roof and it is affordable and there are bomb tacos .1 mile away.
Tim has to get used to it and I hate leaving him in his crate. He got out on the first day and now I am terrified he will die within this next year. I NEED him. Even if he is a jerk. AKA he goes up to dogs, bites them, and walks away. But I still love him.
I guess cleaning out the old apartment it finally hit me; my life is no longer on the path I thought it was. I thought I would never need a roommate, that I’d always have help with Tim, that I would be with this one person forever. But life is like a revolving door; people go in, enjoy the “ride”, and are out. Sometimes they take a few turns before they decide to exit. We had 3 more months on the lease and leaving it made it permanent.
I am also still bitter and confused about other things related to love and lust. More than anything I am annoyed. I am annoyed with myself for feeling sad and for feeling lonely. I am definitely not that girl who jumps from relationship to relationship. If anything I am that girl that thinks we are always getting back together, which is the lamest kind of girl. But I haven’t been that girl for a hot minute. I have NO idea where I will be in a year so it makes no sense to look for companionship, not to mention I do not actively look regardless. I am a firm believer of things coming to you when you least expect them. And I want time to just figure myself out. SO WHY DO I FEEL LONELY? My brain is so dumb.
Stop being lame. I am fine. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need to miss anyone. Anyone worth missing would make sure that I didn’t miss them, perhaps not in the physical aspect but in the keeping in touch regularly aspect. I am an island. Islands don’t get lonely. They enjoy the sun, water, palm trees, and coconuts. They even enjoy the occasional shark and maybe a porpoise. So lay off me brain. I am not lonely and I don’t want to feel like it.
So here are ten random reasons why I need to stop moping and put in the work to be happy. (Yes, sometimes for some people it actually takes work to be aight). I need to take that shovel, put the dirt back in the hole, and climb out.
1. I am playing Carrie Underwood right now.
2. I am good at radio.
3. My hair is soft.
4. I just ate Grandma’s Mini Creme sandwich cookies
5. I am not the person that told Miley Cyrus the video for “We Can’t Stop” was a good idea.
6. I am alive.
7. I have eaten ice cream within the last week.
8. My mom always has my back.
9. I pretty dresses waiting for me at my mom’s.
10. I am half way done with grad school.