I was hit with an epiphany this evening; never has a cliche seemed so true as “the more things change the more they stay the same”. It makes sense, right? We are humans, and as humans we get into routines and these routines become engrained in us as sort of a second nature. Family isn’t going to just completely reorient how they make decisions and how they talk to one another. At least in my family, there will always be that person who is the center and through whom all ideas and decisions are made.
It’s funny that after all this time, people and events in my life can bring me right back to that terrified, miserable little 16 year old girl stuck under the covers in her room in Indiana. I have a really hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings into actual audible sounds, and still, a hard time completely formulating them into words that accurately display what I am feeling.
Sometimes I think that people like me are not meant to have a traditional happy ending. I am not sure what that statement means though. I don’t know who people like me are. I don’t really know what a happy ending is. Nothing ever seems to be ending, because that would just be death and no one talks about that like it is happy. There is love, but that is not an end. You date, you fall in love, you get engaged, you get married, you have kids, you count the days until they are in college, you reminisce about the good old days; all of that, not necessarily in that order. But that is not an ending. It is a string of beginnings. And maybe love and families are not meant for everybody. Maybe we just think we want them because that ideology has been forced down our throats since birth. Maybe working 70 hours a week and traveling is a happy ending. Maybe sharing your life with a dog is a happy ending. But when I write it down it doesn’t seem like much without that person to love you. That is sad. In the end society has basically boiled it down to no matter what you do, if you don’t have love you are nothing. I’m just not sure that love works for everyone.
But what do I know? I am just that lost 16 year old girl who hopes she will get it together in the future. Who hopes that college will lead to a good job and lead her to where she wants to be. And when that doesn’t work, that grad school will…which is almost up and I still have no idea. She has had a string of relationships, some good and some bad, but none that have given her an ending or a new beginning. She is not bummed about that really. She is in love. But she is also scared of love, because the more things change, the more they stay the same.