That title might be misleading to you. I am not back in radio. Turns out, nobody wants me/I might not actually be good at it. That will come up a bit later in the post.
“I did my time in a windowless box, like it or not, all I’ve got now is today”
So, it has been about 4 months since I made the pilgrimage to good ole’ California, or as I like to affectionately refer to it as, the worst place in the world. It’s hot, it’s expensive, I don’t know anybody, and now I have no money.
Yes, I have officially been “laid off”. This comes with mixed emotions. I am happy that I never have to go back. I learned a few things about how to not be a human, so, those are pretty good lessons. But, now I have to explain why I am not employed. And, I am also unemployed which means I am pooooooor. Again.
If you have been lucky enough not to have to spend days, weeks, and now months looking for a job, I envy you. Hundreds of applications, minimal rejection letters, even less responses, even fewer interviews, and a whole reevaluation of self. Job searching has stripped away much of the confidence I have acquired over the years. Whatever I thought I was good at, I am currently doubting.
I think that maybe radio was a fluke for me. The first rule in the book of “Jenna in School” is to try harder and do better than as many people as possible. In 8th grade my math teacher assigned us numbers so we could refer to our grades “anonymously”. It wasn’t hard to figure out who the two people above me were…and subsequently crush them under my A.
Maybe that’s what happened to me in college. I was okay at radio, so then I just made myself the best within an educational setting. Then I was just in the right place at the right time later on. That is how it feels. When I think I want out of radio, I get a different job and immediately want to run back behind the board. Although, I do realize that radio is subjective. The only person who has to like you is the Program Director. If they like you, you’re pretty much in. If they think you suck, then they will tell you so and everything that they think you need to work on.
So, if I am not good at radio, if i have sub-par skills regarding social media, and I suck at communication and writing (which I am supposed to be a Master in), what is left for me?
The last two weeks I have been digging, digging, digging, a hole and working on burying myself in it. Trust me, I know it is not the way to go. I have been here before (not because of the weight of rejection and the lack of direction for the future, but the idea of a hole here is similar). I have been feeling very alone, and actually have been very alone since I don’t know anyone and have found that work and school are usually how I find new friends. But, the only person that is going to worry about me or try to help me is myself. So, I am currently reverting back to the years 2000-2009 thanks to my best friend, Mr. Orange iPod shuffle.
Oh the songs I have forgotten about. Oh the memories of having the future at my finger tips; of not being scared and not realizing the volume of adulthood. I was never worried about making tons of money. I just wanted to be around music. That’s why I liked radio. That was my identity. Then you grow up and it’s bills bills bills. (You can look up the Destiny’s Child song if you want, I have decided I am not a Beyonce fan and I won’t humor you, even for clicks).
Listening to songs of the past, getting back those memories, getting a taste of that ambition and drive, it reminds me of younger Jenna who was ready to take on the world. I need her back, but a less angsty version. I am okay with channeling my feelings into anger rather than sadness. It motivates me more, bring out that screw you mentality. The, tell me I can’t do it so I can turn around and prove you wrong, Jenna. So, for the 800th time, I shall build myself up and try to guide my life in the direction I want.
This girl is taking her Masters and her “I’d rather have 3 jobs during grad school than none” attitude out into the world. I never wanted or expected to go back to minimum wage, part time work, but I guess I can swallow my pride and do it for now. And, if things don’t pan out in the next month or two, I will figure it out then.
I hear Denver is nice. I do like the Indiana seasons. Or maybe I’ll be Canadian, eh. Or, I could just try to get a job in the other hundreds of cities in California that aren’t the most terrible place in the world.
Only time will tell.